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Articles: Family - Affairs,
Should You Go or Stay?
By Dr. Robert
Huizenga
Recent statistics suggest that 40% of women (and
that number is increasing) and 60% of men at one point indulge in
extramarital affairs. Put those numbers together and it is estimated
that 80% of the marriages will have one spouse at one point or
another involved in marital infidelity.
That may seem like a
very steep number. However after two decades plus of full time work
as a marriage and family therapist, I don't believe that number is
off the charts. I worked with a great number of people involved in
infidelity who were never discovered. The possibility that someone
close to you is or soon will be involved in an extramarital affair
(any of the three parties) is extremely high.
Maybe you will
know. You will see telltale signs. You will notice changes in the
person's habits and behavioral patterns as well as a detachment,
lack of focus and reduced productivity. Maybe you will sense
something "out of character" but be unable to pinpoint what it is.
It is not a given that he/she will tell you. Those hiding
the affair will continue to hide. The "victim" of the extramarital
affair often, at least initially, is racked with anger, hurt,
embarrassment and thoughts of failing that preclude divulging the
crisis. It might be important to confront the person with your
observations, depending on the status of your relationship with the
person.
It is important to understand that extramarital
affairs are different and serve different purposes. Out of my study
and experience with hundreds of couples I've identified 7 different
kinds of infidelity.
Briefly, some extramarital affairs are
reactivity to a perceived lack of intimacy in the marriage. Others
arise out of addictive tendencies or a history of sexual confusion
or trauma. Some in our culture play out issues of entitlement and
power by becoming "trophy chasers." This "boys will be boys"
mentality is subtly encouraged in some contexts. Some become
involved in marital infidelity because of a high need for drama and
excitement and are enthralled with the idea of "being in love" and
having that "loving feeling."
An extramarital affair might
be for revenge either because the spouse did or did not do
something. Or the revenge may stem from rage. Although revenge is
the motive for both, they look and feel very different.
Another form of infidelity serves the purpose of affirming
personal desirability. A nagging question of being "OK" may lead to
usually a short-term and one-person affair. And finally, some
affairs are a dance that attempts to balance needs for distance and
intimacy in the marriage, often with collusion from the spouse.
The prognosis for survivability of the marriage is different
for each. Some affairs are the best thing that happens to a
marriage. Others serve a death knell. As well, different
extramarital affairs demand different strategies on the part of the
spouse or others. Some demand toughness and movement. Others demand
patience and understanding.
The emotional impact of the
discovery of infidelity is usually profound. Days and weeks of
sleeplessness, rumination, fantasies (many sexual) and
unproductivity follow. It typically takes 2 – 4 years to "work
through" the implications. A good coach or therapist can accelerate
and mollify the process. I don't recommend "marriage" counseling, at
least initially.
The devastating emotional impact results
from a couple powerful dynamics. Trust is shattered – of one's
ability to discern the truth. The most important step is NOT to
learn to trust the other person, but to learn to trust one's self.
Another is the power that a secret plays in relationships. THE
secret exacts an emotional and sometimes physical toll that needs to
be acknowledged and dealt with.
How can you help? Those in
the midst of their affair crisis told me they need this from you:
1. Sometimes I want to vent, get it out without censor. I
know sometimes I will say what I shouldn't be saying. It may not be
nice, pretty or mild. Please know that I know better, but I need to
get it off my chest.
2. Every so often I want to hear
something like, "This too shall pass." Remind me that this is not
forever.
3. I want to be validated. I want to know that I am
OK. You can best do that by nodding acceptance when I talk about the
pain or confusion.
4. I want to hear sometimes, "What are
you learning? What are you doing to take care of yourself?" I may
need that little jolt that moves me beyond my pain to see the larger
picture.
5. I may want space. I may want you to be quiet and
patient as I attempt to sort through and express my thoughts and
feelings. Give me some time to stammer, stutter and stumble my way
through this.
6. I want someone to point out some new
options or different roads that I might take. But before you do
this, make sure I am first heard and validated.
7. When they
pop into your mind, recommend books or other resources that you
think I might find helpful.
8. I want to hear every so
often, "How's it going?" And, I may want this to be more than an
informal greeting. Give me time and space to let you know exactly
how it IS going.
9. I want you to understand and welcome the
ambivalent feelings and desires. I would like you to be fairly
comfortable with the gray areas and the contradictions about how I
feel and what I may want.
10. I want you to be predictable.
I want to be able to count on you to be there, listen and speak
consistently or let me know when you are unable to do that. I will
honor that.
Extramarital affairs are powerful. Affairs are
costly. They affect family, friends, colleagues and employers.
Infidelity is also an opportunity – to redesign one's life and love
relationships in ways that create honor, joy and true
intimacy.
Dr. Robert Huizenga, The Infidelity Coach, has
helped hundreds of couples over the past two decades heal from the
agony of extramarital affairs and survive infidelity. Visit his
website at: http://www.break-free-from-the-affair.com
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