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Articles: Parenting
- Make Your Teen Your Best Friend
By V. Michael Santoro, M.
Ed.
Best friends! It may seem impossible to believe,
but today’s teens do want to consider their parents as friends, even
though they think we could never understand the realities of their
world. They are also interested in what it was like being a teenager
during the Stone Age. Life without cell phones or the Internet must
have been unimaginable!
So even with this interest, can
parents and teens really become best friends when competing with
busy schedules, and raging hormones? The answer is a resounding
YES…and it is worth the effort! What is important to understand is
that both of you have to want the new relationship on a long-term
basis. You cannot appear to be going through the motions, or acting
like you are fitting this new relationship into your busy schedules.
As a father, I knew I was a good provider. I put food on the
table, a roof over my teen’s head, and helped fund those great sales
that saved me so much money. As important as the father role is, it
was improving the “Dad” role that allowed me to develop a lasting
relationship with my daughter. This also helped me with my two
stepsons. Essentially, I modified the communication and
problem-solving skills that I successfully used at work to improve
my relationship with my teens.
The following are the ten
ways that will help you to become one of your teenager’s best
friends:
1. Define what trust meant to each of you. Agree
that there will be no games or hidden agendas—just honesty—to build
the trust.
2. Agree that mutual trust is earned by
exhibiting consistent behavior. The amount of trust that you develop
will be proportionate to the amount of freedom that they will enjoy.
3. Anything that is discussed with you must be kept in the
strictest of confidence. This will help reinforce the trust.
4. Talk to them as adults while remembering that they are
still kids. This allows for flexibility during those trying
adolescent years.
5. Become an attentive listener.
Multitasking may be necessary at work, however it will make you
appear distracted when discussing something important with your
teenager. Learn to focus.
6. Ask the right questions without
appearing to interrogate them. It is important that they not fear
coming to you to discuss what is important to them. It is equally
important that they feel that you will take the time to understand
what they are trying to communicate.
7. Do not judge them
for their actions or ever say, “I told you so! This helps in having
them continue to come to you to discuss topics, and encourages them
to do things better the next time.
8. When helping them with
problem solving, discuss the desired outcomes first, and what they
need to do to resolve their problem. Then allow them to proactively
make their own decisions based upon the facts rather than reacting
to their emotions.
9. Set guidelines instead of making rules
for them to follow. They should have input into the guidelines, and
then be expected to follow them. They will perceive this as fair and
in their best interests.
10. “Hang out” together as oppose
to just spending time together. Remember that there is a difference
between motion and productivity, so make your time together
interactive. For example, if you go to a movie, then go for an ice
cream and discuss the movie. Or play some “one on one” games or
sports. Do what best friends do!
If you
want to be a better parent, don’t forget the child within you. All
too often, we get so wrapped up in being an adult that we forget how
to have fun and enjoy life. I found that by using my imagination, I
rekindled my creativity, and this made me an “okay guy” for my
teenagers to hang out with.
V. Michael Santoro
M. Ed. coauthored, "Realizing the Power of Love," How a father and
teenage daughter became best friends...and how you can too, with his
teenage daughter Jennifer S. Santoro. For more information, a free
e-zine and more free articles, visit their Web site at http://www.dads-daughters.com
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