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Articles: Self - Argue with
Yourself
By Dr. Tony
Fiore
Even as a child,
James was described by teachers and his parents as a happy optimist.
As the story goes, one day his parents decided to play a joke on him
and test his attitude by requiring him to spend an afternoon
cleaning deserted stables at what had been a local racetrack.
Returning after two hours, James’ parents observed him singing while
happily shoveling manure. Astounded, they walked closer, only to
hear him saying to himself over and over, “There has to be a pony in
here somewhere.”
James did naturally what researchers are
increasingly discovering: optimistic thinking skills are a powerful
antidote to anger partly because the optimist has better resistance
to depression when bad events strike, better performance at work,
better physical health and better relationships. Who couldn’t admire
and love a person with such a great attitude?
But what if
you are not naturally optimistic? How can you become an optimist if
you now insist on seeing the glass as half-empty instead of
half-full? The good news is that, according to psychologist Dr.
Martin Seligman, optimism is a learned mental skill. As a past
president of the American Psychological Association, he has plenty
of research to back up his theory.
There are four ways to
argue with yourself: At its core, optimism is a style of
interpreting events that occur in your world – it is your personal
theory or explanation of why both good things and bad things happen
to you. While everyone experiences both set-backs and victories in
the normal course of life, optimists – in contrast to pessimists –
have a very distinct style of explaining things to themselves. Said
another way, it is your belief about what happens to you that
determines your reaction more than the event itself.
The
knack of disputing your beliefs is a thought-skill, the mastery of
which will morph you into the optimistic style of thinking. There
are four ways to do this:
1.) Look at the evidence.
According to Dr. Seligman, the most convincing way of disputing a
negative belief is to show it is factually incorrect. Most of the
time you will have ‘reality’ on your side. Your role is that of a
detective as you ask, “What is the evidence for my belief?”
For example, is it really true that you never succeed in
anything? (Very doubtful. Everybody succeeds some of the time.) That
you are the worse parent you know? (Can you remember any success you
had as a parent?) That you are an incurable glutton? (Can you
sometimes resist food?) That you are incredibly selfish? (How many
times have you been unselfish?)
Using this skill of looking
at the evidence, you can defeat pessimism with more accurate
perception and recall of what is really true.
2.) Consider
alternative causes. Most events in the world have more than one
cause. Pessimists latch onto the most insidious; optimists tend more
to give themselves a break.
For example, a marital breakup
usually has many causes which probably contributed to its downfall.
You can blame yourself. You can blame your partner. A more
optimistic interpretation is that neither partner failed as an
individual; it was the relationship (the combination) that failed.
3.) Put events into perspective. If the facts are not on
your side and you cannot honestly see other causes to a negative
event, you will need to look at the implications of your beliefs to
become an optimistic thinker. Is the event really as catastrophic as
you may be making it in your mind? (Hint: few things are). Usually,
the implications or long-term effects of your misfortune aren’t as
awful or devastating as you may be seeing them.
4.) Is your
belief useful? Even though a belief may, in fact, be true, it may
not be useful. Some beliefs cause more grief than they are worth.
You may tell yourself you are a failure, for instance. This belief
will likely cause you to stop trying. Instead, substitute a more
useful belief like “Just because I failed once doesn’t make me a
failure.” Then behave accordingly with your new belief.
By
learning to use optimism, you can manage anger and improve your
health. These four steps will help you overcome your negative
tendencies and have a more optimistic view of life.
© Dr. Tony Fiore All rights reserved. Dr.
Tony Fiore is a So. California licensed psychologist, and anger
management trainer. His company, The Anger Coach, provides anger and
stress management programs, training and products to individuals,
couples, and the workplace. Sign up for his free monthly newsletter
"Taming The Anger Bee" at www.angercoach.com
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