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Articles: Self - Be
More Assertive
By Dr. Tony
Fiore
45 year old Judy
revealed in an anger management class that she was constantly angry
at her husband. When asked why, she revealed that her aged mother
lives next door and she always felt conflicted whether to spend time
with her husband or her mother after work.
She loved them
both, but resented her husband's becoming demanding and upset when
she spent needed time with her mother instead of being with him.
Judy revealed that she dealt with the situation by ignoring her
husband when he expressed displeasure - with disastrous results.
These included constant bickering and tension in the home as well as
emotional distance from each other.
How much better the outcome
would have been had Judy used basic skills of assertive
communication. It is a way to communicate to your family your
rights, feelings and needs- but in a good way. It is a method of
letting family members know where you stand on things and what your
limits and boundaries are.
Assertive communication allows
you to clarify communication and stand up for yourself without
making things worse or getting a negative result or response from
your loved ones. These are Four Steps to Assertive Communication:
Step 1- Send clear messages - Turns out Judy had never
clearly told her husband how she felt when he put pressure on her to
spend time with him instead of her mother. When she did discuss it,
she hemmed, hawed and stammered with almost no eye contact. As a
result her husband was not getting a clear message. To communicate
clearly, look at your posture and your facial expressions, as well
as your hand and arm movements. Pay special attention to your tone
of voice which can say volumes beyond your words.
Step 2 -
Learn how to listen - Assertive people have developed their
listening skills. While hearing is done with your ears, true
listening is done with your heart. To be a better communicator,
start by becoming a better listener.
Step 3 - Start the
conversation with "I feel" rather than "you should." - Words have
tremendous power to determine how other people experience us, and
how they respond to an issue. For this reason, people with good
assertive communication skills focus on the problem behavior (and
not the character of the person), stick to the point, don't use
labels, and make "I" statements rather than "you" statements. Judy
tried this with her husband and it worked very well. Here is what
she said: "Honey, I love you and want to be with you, but I also
need to be with my mother now. Could you get along without me for a
hour a night? I'll try to always be back by 8:30 PM."
Step 4
- Acknowledge your part in the conflict or issue - Anger is often an
escalating process, involving two people who create a negative
feeling in each other, sometimes instantly and sometimes over a long
period of time. It is natural to blame another family member
entirely for the problem, especially when we are angry or in a
defensive mode. But, once we return to normal, the assertive
communicator is able to accept some of the responsibility for the
conflict. This acceptance and acknowledgement of your contribution
to the problem is an indication of emotional maturity and can create
an entirely different atmosphere between conflicting family members.
Try saying the following things to promote communication:
- My reactions were too extreme. I'm sorry. - Even though I
still feel I was right about the issue, my reaction wasn't right and
I apologize. - I never thought of things that way. - Let me start
again in a different way. - I can see my part in all this.
To Judy's delight, when she practiced saying some of these
things to her husband in a loving way, he began changing too. Almost
immediately, he became less demanding, more understanding, and more
aligned with her so both of them could better care for her aging
mother.
Dr. Tony Fiore (www.angercoach.com) is a So.
California licensed psychologist, and anger management
trainer. The Anger Coach, provides anger and stress management
programs, training and products to individuals, couples, and the
workplace. Sign up for his free monthly newsletter "Taming The Anger
Bee" at www.angercoach.com
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